Alone in Kyoto

I can never think of sweet titles for my posts, so I've decided call them by the name of the song that I'm listening to when I post. We'll call it inspiration.

Finished my book last night; Richard got a pet short-tailed gar.

We watched a message by Bill Hybels today in staff meeting. I really enjoyed it. It was pretty crazy to hear his personal story as well as that of Willow Creek, and how there were several times when it looked like failure was bound to occur. It wasn't the deepest message in the world, and I'm glad. Lately I've found myself struggling, not with deep, faith-defining questions, but some pretty basic stuff. Throughout his story, Hybles drew attention to several different times when there was a decision to be made, and things could have gone either way. He stressed the fact that in these times, God's way is the only way. How much more basic can you get; this is preschool stuff!

And yet, making the right decision can crush us. Making the right decision can mean leaving jobs, and losing friends. It can mean that people will leave you church. It can mean the end of a decade of growth.

For me, it is not very hard to wrap my head around the idea that following God means risking everything. I think I actually get it. You learn in Sunday school about making sure to give back to God. You make sure and give to God, even if it's money you think you need. It's not an option, by my responsibility. This idea has been ingrained in my head for years. Doing what's right mean risking it all.

The problem is this: I really suck at acting on what I know is right. I'm not really one for excuses. I recognize my failures. I just have the hardest time willing myself to succeed. I feel like I've failed at things for my whole life, and I the idea of suddenly doing stuff right is beyond my grasp.

I'm not expecting perfection. Not even close. I just want to be to a point in my relationship with God, where I become broken over my mistakes. Where seeking the right thing is my goal. Where I don't even calculate the risk. Where I recognize the value of serving Him for who he is, and nothing more.

I'd love some prayer in this.